The Still, Small Voice

Tomorrow, we have a hearing in Berkeley. My expectations on the outcome tomorrow are very low. I know it’s more of a formality and that we are going to get pushed off to another hearing date. I don’t expect the judge to make a decision.

I honestly never know if I’m filing the appropriate, necessary papers ahead of each hearing. A few days prior to each hearing, I am very anxious and very hopeful that the judge makes the decision and grants us permanent guardianship of Gio. The last 6 or so times that we have gone to court, it is the same outcome each time – that we are there only to discuss visitation arrangements and come to an agreement, because the last three mediation’s proved to be very unfruitful due to the excuses and lies Hillary told (rambled about). She told Gio’s lawyer, social worker and the mediator that she wanted to see Gio more but was unwilling to sign an agreement that had her spending time with Gio three times a week. The social worker said she had a problem about the way mediation was going because “she was concerned that there isn’t a lot of truth being said” and the mediator said “I’ve never had such a hard time trying to give more time to the parents to spend with their child.”

Anyway, it seems that despite that and a hearing, a mini-trial, during which Hillary proceeded to ask questions like a lawyer, here we are 9 months later and nothing has changed. I swear that woman surprises me with her many talents…in any case during that hearing, after the judge had asked Hillary questions about her “job”. She claimed she doesn’t have a supervisor, that she is a free-lance surgical nurse that assists patients after surgery and brings them home. She said that she was an on-call nurse as well and never knows what kind of work schedule she will get; she proceeds to tell him she can make up her own hours yet has a hard time figuring out how she will spend tome with Gio. The Judge asked her if she had a medical identifying badge. She reached up to her chest, patted her pocket and asked with some confusion, “A badge?” The Judge said, “Yes, a badge. You know like an ID, with your name and your picture on it.” “No; no, I don’t have a badge.”

Despite the frustrating journey we have been on, trying to navigate the legal process and filing the correct paperwork, here we are still. Another fruitless hearing tomorrow.

Despite my low expectations for tomorrow’s outcomes, and trying to be strong by telling everyone all week that I have low expectations (to avoid the disappointment), I still am anxious.

I am two weeks behind and trying to catch-up on reading my bible diary. I have been praying for my family and also Hillary, to get better. I’ve been anxious all week and reading the gospels has helped me keep my anxiety about tomorrow in -check. After reading a few gospels tonight, I got this notion that I really should read tonight’s gospel. That I can catch up on the older readings later.

I flipped to tonight’s gospel reading 3.14.18. Wow! God is really speaking to me. “Can the woman forget the baby at her breast? Yet, though she forget, I will never forget.”

Thank you, Lord. I received your message loud and clear. I am trusting in you. I will not be anxious. Things will work out in the end. It is not up to me. I cannot do this by myself. It is your will, not mine, be done on Earth as it is in Heaven. Thank you for watching over me and listening to my prayers. I love you, trust you and praise you forever and ever. Amen!